Pain is what i feel, the word i used
so often which describes how i feel. Another is depression..I felt it even in my
dreams . My mind never sleeps..

Well today
...may i say most of my life time is fill with disapointment. I walk again the
same road feeling weak in my heart. People do notice and i hated that, so i fake
a smile when asked. Everytime God will pretend to give me hope and take it away
the next few days or hours or even minutes. Yeah thats what He does and it
excites Him ...SO He do it more often. The fading smile and the heart breaking
really does makes Him happy.

Here Im
sitting and feeling like an orphan. Well the truth is I am..But the
only difference is today it shows. I usually bury myself in my thoughts and
hardly share my feelings..but somehow today I needed someone to talk to. Someone
whom Im not afraid to cry and express myself freely. But here I am expressing to
my computer by typing of course.

However the fact that this is my life and this is how its going to be for the
rest of my life disturbs me even more..why Lord? I even asked the Lord for death
to end my misery..Even cancer would have been better..wish I could replace those
who suffer from cancer, bcoz i dont wish tihs life not once.But even my pathetic
wish never been granted. Maybe He want to see me suffer
more.

They
say time will heal, im waiting and waiting ever since, things only got worse.
The worse thing is to whom do i complain, now that Im all alone in my mind.